Kayaking

About 12 years ago, I got it in my head that I would start white water kayaking. Took a class in North Carolina, bought the gear, went out a couple of times. Never really had fun because I was so scared of flipping over then not being able to right myself (the eskimo roll). What then ended up happening was I would bail out of the kayak into frigid waters, drag my boat to shore, drain it, and get back on the river as my party waited. I never went out with friends, always strangers. Afraid of making mistakes, I became nervous kayaker, making me flip over even more.

Kayak moves to the basement.

Last month, Paul bought a kayak and he now wants to learn how to do an eskimo roll. The first time I got in my kayak in Alan's pool, my heart started to race. What the hell am I doing back in this thing?!?! But being with friends in a warm pool on a sunny day: completely different experience. So after many tries, I was actually able to do it! I wasn't able to get Paul to successfully roll but next week, we're headed back to Alan's. Don't know if I'm ready to face the cold rivers again (don't tell Paul) but this is definitely a start.

Fun with Photoshop

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Originally uploaded by Tengaport

Alan's Dad was giving me my first golf lesson. Alan and his photoshop tricks made it look like a Jedi weekend in Boca.

Peak Potential Dinner

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Originally uploaded by Tengaport

The past and present board members (and administrators) had a dinner courtesy of Dr. Fu and his wife. Food was amazing and you couldn't beat the company. It was great getting to know Fu's parents. Their work ethic and dedication to their parents is truly inspiring. Plus I got to hang-out with Dawn.

Alanis

I know a lot of people cringe just at the sound of her name (or her voice or both). But I will always be a huge Alanis fan mainly for her songwriting. She is fearless in confronting her self-doubt and insecurity and what a struggle the process is. Her lyrics constantly echo what I feel about myself and the world. Yet the style is very pop, there's usually a good hook, so they're fun to sing!

This video has her explain a bit about the song she sings, which is my favorite in the new album. Her feeling of constantly running to reach a "finish line" where she will feel complete, not being able to enjoy the present. I am so there.

Cantaloupe Salad

Cantaloupe Salad
Originally uploaded by Mike Dec

Last week, I was telling my patient how I had steamed green beans with my asian pork medallions (we both watch Top Chef so we talk about food a lot). When she found out I did this for myself alone, she said with astonishment "Boy, you treat yourself well."

I would be dishonest if I said I didn't know what her tone of voice meant. A lot of people I talk to report being reduced to cereal for dinner once they are by themselves, if they even eat at all. "What's the use?", they say. Like eating alone is too sad to warrant real food.

Add to the list of things to be shameful about would be the shame of being single. I feel it, fight it, accept it, and go back to fighting it again. Am I not to eat good, healthy, even decadent food sans a companion? Early in my solitary life I resolved to be independent, to not let my singleness stop me from experiencing life, to not only survive but to thrive.

So I went from having a repertoir consisting solely of eggs to reading magazines on how to cook to now experimenting with unusual combinations. Sometimes I practice dishes before I have company over. But mostly I cook for my own consumption. Good food, party of one.....

I'm in the middle of reading "Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant: Confessions of Cooking for One and Dining Alone". It's a very humorous, at times surpisingly touching, collection of essays of people facing the challenges and pleasures of eating by themselves. Breaking bread with these authors and foodies helps me be part of a hidden part of humanity. one that may be slowly emerging out of the shadows. Some cooking magazines now have sections dedicated to recipes for one. Maybe solitary living (and eating) is coming out of the closet? (How many of these closets am I in and how come my condo doesn't have this many!?!)

So Whole Foods and the farmer's market will continue to see me in their aisles, breaking apart their bananas into smaller servings. By the way, anyone is welcome to invite themselves over for a meal. Call first though. I'm often busy.

Pagkalinawans Visit

Princeton

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Originally uploaded by JenFu

Went to Princeton today to help them establish a program similar to Peak Potential. Beautiful spring day, sunny and cold. The wall was in one of the structural "pillars" around the stadium: a tight square that went higher than any gym I had been to. It reminded of Pinky's story about a grain silo in Wisconsin that they converted into a climbing gym.

About eight kids came. The two hours flew by as we assisted kids, taught students, supervised them as they took over belaying volunteers then kids, and finally them climbing with kids. The volunteers were amazing. They were doing things that took me months to get comfortable with. There are still things to iron out, administrative things I actually enjoy figuring out.

I could barely keep my eyes open on the way home, so tired. Thankfully Paul drove. It's a gift that I am able to be part of this. That in some small way, I am doing good.

Spring

Ongoing Saga of the bathroom

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Originally uploaded by Mike Dec

So after Frank dropped off his miter saw in January but never managed to find the time to start the project, Rob stepped in to help me out. I used to work with Rob many jobs ago and lost touch with him. He reappeared in my life when he started volunteering for Peak Potential and we managed to start again where we left off. He has a wife, two daughters, and a house full of projects but he still volunteered to help me out. Maybe all my questions about wainscoting and miter saws finally made him give in. Whatever my luck with everything else in my life, my luck with friends has always been incredible. Their hearts always inspire me to be a better friend.

Chris and Blake

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Originally uploaded by wolff71

After watching last season for the first tome last year, I vowed NEVER to get sucked in again. But I had to post thos photo of two fianlists from last year.

Patrick Wilson

I saw this a while back but recently revisited. If you guys saw Little Children, you already know he can act. That he is hot AND can sing is just amazing.

Ice Storm

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Originally uploaded by Mike Dec

This is what happens when you leave your bike at the train station during an ice storm. After a long day at work, I came to my bike froczen to the train station railing at 9:30 PM. I had to rub the lock for about a minute before it actually came undone. After carrying the bike for about 5 minutes, I was smart enough to knock the ice off the tires so that I could at least ROLL the bike. This is what it looked like the day after (still frozen). It was cold walk to work that day.

Anticlimactic

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Originally uploaded by Mike Dec

Certifies that I finished my MBA. After all those weekends in the library and nights of studying, this letter is all I have to show for it. No graduation, no fanfare, not even any classmates to share the moment with (just a student loan to add to my list of monthly bills to pay). Maybe someday I'll be glad I did it but man, this feels like a total waste of my time and money today.

Daemons

I'm in the middle of reading "The Golden Compass", a fantasy book where humans have their souls (called daemon) on the outside in the form of an animal depending on their personality. Pretty cool, if you think about it, like having your pet with you at all times.
Here's link to the site where you can answer 20 questions and see what your daemon (pronounced "demon") would be like. Reminds me a little like zodiac signs crossed with the Chinese horoscope.



Ooops, actually this is a link for you to see if my daemon fits me. Go ahead and approve of my daemon or just skip to the part where you determine your own.

To the studs

To the studs
Originally uploaded by Mike Dec

Matt ripped out my bathroom walls. I've lived with these ugly stucco'ed walls for 7 years. But as the walls came down, part of me asked myself if this was worth it: the dirt, dust, and debris. Matt was nice enough to leave me with a functioning bathroom.

In the Midst of Battle

What does a depressive attack feel like? When Kipp asked me to describe it, I came to the realization that for some people, it truly is a foreign feeling, like how I would ask someone what it would feel like to be weightless or to give birth. I've lived with my depression for as long as I can remember, so to put it into words was difficult. How can you put into words something that is always somewhat present, yet can suddenly grow into something that possesses your entire being? My therapist once told me that he descibes it as like being somewhat under the weather all the time. The ensuing image of tiredness and body aches does ring somewhat true, but I think it falls short.

My attacks feels very close to having your heart broken. I'm sure each person remembers a time, usually during adolescence, when things don't work out for a romance that you've been pining for. If you can recall that feeling, that's what my attacks feel like: a mixture of disappointment, embarassment, shame, and foolishness. The barrage of self talk is paralyzing: How stupid of me to think that I could have a good life. If people really knew me, they would laugh out loud and say that I deserve none of the things that I aspire for. "You just cry in the corner but don't expect any sympathy from us."

I've slowly forced myself to reach out to other people. I always wait till the worst is over, the day after when I can share with less shame and be more articulate and more intelligent about the whole thing. Even then, it always feels very foolish. Remember that adolescent heartbreak I asked you to remember? Inevitably, as the weeks passeed, I'm sure when you recounted to all your friends every detail of that heartache till you're almost afraid to bring it up because you yourself are so tired of it. That's the feeling I get when I talk about my depression to others, a feeling I've live with for at least 30 years. I'm so sick of me. They always tell you that depression is not a sign of weakness. But in the midst of it, I not only feel weak but I feel like a burden to society and to myself.

Meanwhile, life goes on. And as I trudge through a day with this monkey on my back, I forget that what I'm feeling may come from an internal imbalance of chemicals. I start to look outward to the source of my grief: the new job that's exhausting, the single life, where I live, all the demands of living. The thing that my therapist told me that convinced me to try medication was that depressed people make poor decisions. It takes every ounce of my logical mind to convince me not to quit my job, move to another state, or do something to hurt myself. I can totally understand why seemingly intelligent people abuse alcohol or do drugs. In the midst of it, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Nothing Short of Amazing

My sister Maricris moved into my Mom's room recently. She talked about the renovations she did: retiling, painting, and more importantly, editing. To say my mom was a packrat is an understatement. My dad used to complain that he had to perform acrobatics just to reach the windows because she had boxes two deep against the perimeter of the wall. Maricris had to wade through termite-infested floorboards, mattresses that were at least 20 years old, and 9 kids worth of mementos (or as Little Edie would say in Grey Gardens "memorabeeya"). Here's the tour she posted on youtube, with a bonus of meeting Bailey, the new dog in residence.

Tita Ermi

Tita Ermi is my mom's childhood friend who moved to NYC in 1967. Thought it would be nice to record a message from her to my mom and they can watch it back home in the Philippines:

Mugsy at a party

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Originally uploaded by Tengaport

Went to Alan's house for a Father's Day Celebration. Gues this could be my father's day portrait.

More TV Nostalgia

I was hanging out with Alan this afternoon watching "I Love the 70's". This got me thinking about two shows that I used to LOVE in the 70's/early 80's. Found some clips of one of them. Still looking for the other one.

Make sure you watch this till the relay race. That's where you see the most stars.....






And of course, the TUG-O-WAR